Sample of Mentee's Written Work with Mentor Comments

I have assessed this sample of my mentee's written work and obtained his permission to display it in this blog after inserting constructive feedback in an effort to address what I view as the major impediments to his effective communication of ideas. This piece could be used as an exemplar. In a guided activity, students could identify the text's strengths, weaknesses, and errors and then correct them in order to better understand the criteria by which their work is to be judged and to gain experience in the critical post-writing review process.
 

Sample Student Work: Grade 11 Academic English

The following literary essay on Crucifixion imagery in The Old Man and The Sea could be used as an exemplar in a Grade 11 Academic English course to demonstrate level 2+ work.


 Through a process of guided reflection and analysis, students should be able to identify the following elements of the essay that prevent it from reaching level 3 or level 4 status:

- Grammatical errors (By Santiago settling against the planks of the bow, Hemingway makes a comparison to Christ...)
- Style is "choppy" and reflects uncertainty through overuse of commas.
- Weak introduction involving a statement that seems tenuously connected to the thesis: "Also, an underlying Christian theme to the novella is maintained by other religious allusions, which keep the image of the crucifixion prominent within the reader’s mind."
- Awkward or colloquial phrases, especially in transitions ("One of the first obvious religious allusions...";"Another way...".

- Misused words: "utilizes" instead of use.

- Integration and explanation of quotations is at times awkward: Santiago goes on to say, “…he [the left hand] has only cramped once. If he cramps again let the line cut him off.” This passage alludes to Mark 9:43: “And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off”.

- Use of the passive voice creates some muddled sentences.


Positive elements of the essay include:
- Strong vocabulary and generally effective word choice.
- Logical organization within the "Five Paragraph Essay" format.
- Highly effective use of a second primary source (The Bible).
- Easily identifiable thesis: "The crucifixion imagery is used to create empathy for the ‘old man’, Santiago, and his suffering."

Physics Exemplar: Grade 11 Waves and Nodes

The following example of a student lab report that details the results of an experiment involving waves and nodal points represents level 4 work for the grade 11 university preparation physics course.
  

Physics Exemplar: Grade 12 Photoelectric Effect

The following example of a student lab report is yet another example of level 4 work for the grade 12 university preparation physics course (SPH4U) that reflects the results of an experiment involving the photoelectric effect.
  

Physics Exemplar: Grade 12 Diffraction Grating Lab Report

The following example of a student lab report represents level 4 work for the grade 12 university preparation physics course (SPH4U). It could be used as a mentor text or an exemplar for students as the develop lab reports to convey the results of an experiment involving the use of a diffraction grating.
 

Physics Exemplar: Grade 11 Waves Lab Report

The following components of a grade 11 lab on wave motion reflect level 4 work. The expansive introduction goes well beyond expectations for the assignment, to the point that the student might be advised to consider reducing future introduction sections in order to make better use of his time.

Sample Essay on 1984

The following grade 12 essay is an example of level 3+ work. It could be used as an exemplar text in a classroom, allowing students to identify the weaknesses in research techniques, citation, and sentence construction that prevent a unique and engaging paper from meriting a level 4 or level 4+ mark.